Sofie Hagen

You're also a dork - but you're a bit of a fancy dork. You want to give me £10 a month and in return, you want a signed photo of yours truly. Like back in the 90s where you could join a fanclub and get a signed photo. It was so cool. I got Jason Momoa's because he was hot in Baywatch Hawaii. In the same way, you'll get a photo of me because I'm hot just in general. When will you get it? No one knows. That's the fun of it.
But you will get it because I've got over 100 lying around, ready to go.
How exciting.
You're this unused press photo of me, where I sat in a black box and had the photographer throw a lot of glitter at me. I had glitter everywhere for weeks. So did the photographer Karla Gowlett. And I never used the photo because it was too dark for what I had in mind for the poster. Oh, but it was almost used. And it's pretty. The floor is pretty. And it's back when I wore dresses. It's fancy. Like you, you dork.

You are such a giving dork. Wow. £15 a month! I promise that I will spend every penny on my butler. But don't worry, I make him recycle, so in a way, I'm paying him to SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. I am also a giving dork; I give back to nature. But I don't like to brag about it. You're welcome, dolphins.
You are this unused press photo of me, where I brought my beautiful sequin hoodie to the studio. I never used it for anything because... It's not really how... I dress. I've only ever work the hoodie this one time. I don't think I've ever work a hoodie like that before. And up against a brick wall? Don't you know I'm allergic to brick walls? It just wasn't that 'me'. 
But hey, giving dorks. I love you.

Hi SugarDaddyDork. *flirty emoji*
Woah, £20 a month, eh? I will spend this on sexy underwear such as long woolen knickers and a comfortable training bra that feels a bit like a binder and makes me gender-confused. And as my SugarDaddyDork, you get... you know. The knowledge of this. So if you're not going to be a SugarDaddyDork, LOOK AWAY. This information is not for you.
You are this unused press photo of me - but you know what, I bloody should have used it! LOOK AT ME! HOT HOT HOT! It might be a bit misleading - I don't think I have that... jawline. Or maybe the confidence. My boobs are definitely differently sized like that. 
But it's GLAM and BEAUTY. Just. like. you.

What the actual sh!t? Are you trying to make me cry?! £30 a month is like... What I thought grownups had to pay in rent each month when I was a child! So, it's a lot of money! Thank you. I promise to spend them all on crystals and gold for my pet llama. Not a penny will go to waste.
You are this unused press photo of me, where I look like I've sat on something and I can't yet figure out if I like it or if it hurts. You know that feeling? I do. In that photo. It's unused because again, what am I trying to sell? A remote control that doubles as a butt plug? I don't think so.
Hey. Yes, you. I love you.